Forgiveness Is — Andrew Forrest

On October 2, 2019, Brandt Jean delivered a victim impact statement at the trial of Amber Guyger. Ms. Guyger had just been convicted of the murder Mr. Jean’s older brother, Botham Jean. Apparently, Brandt Jean didn’t know cameras would record his statement; he thought the reporters had already left the courtroom. Here’s what this 18 year-old young man said to his brother’s killer:

If you truly are sorry, I know I can speak for myself, I forgive you. And I know if you go to God and ask him, he will forgive you.
And I don’t think anyone can say it — again I’m speaking for myself and not on behalf of my family — but I love you just like anyone else.
And I’m not going to say I hope you rot and die, just like my brother did, but I personally want the best for you. And I wasn’t going to ever say this in front of my family or anyone, but I don’t even want you to go to jail. I want the best for you, because I know that’s exactly what Botham would want you to do.
And the best would be: give your life to Christ.
I’m not going to say anything else. I think giving your life to Christ would be the best thing that Botham would want you to do.
Again, I love you as a person. And I don’t wish anything bad on you.
[Turning and addressing the judge:]
I don’t know if this is possible, but can I give her a hug, please? Please?
Brandt Jean, 2 October 2019

In a few short hours, that statement was being broadcast around the world.

The morning after Brandt Jean delivered his remarkable remarks on forgiveness, my son and I were listening to a sports talk radio station on the way to school. I was astounded to hear the hosts discuss forgiveness and mercy–not normal topics for a drive time sports talk show!– and even more astounded to see later that they weren’t the only ones provoked to so do by young Mr. Jean’s statement: Brandt Jean’s face and remarks were everywhere. That was a good thing: it’s not possible that we think too much about forgiveness. On the other hand, it was also clear to me that as a culture we don’t have a clear idea of what forgiveness is and what it isn’t. I hope the following helps clear up the picture.

Forgiveness Is a Scandal

Not everyone agreed with Mr. Jean’s decision to forgive Ms. Guyger, which shouldn’t be surprising: forgiveness is always scandalous. It does not fit within the world’s categories. An eye for an eye, that we understand, but forgiveness is troubling, and it always has been. On the cross, Jesus forgave the people who crucified him as he was being crucified. If that doesn’t trouble your sense of justice, you’re not thinking about it.

Forgiveness Is Never Deserved

The reason forgiveness is scandalous is because forgiveness is never deserved. By definition, you cannot be entitled to mercy–it is unmerited favor. No one owes someone else forgiveness. There are lots of times in life that we get into disagreements and misunderstandings, and a mark of maturity is your willingness to seek understanding and make peace with the other party. That is a good thing, but that is NOT forgiveness. Forgiveness involves actual wrongs and hurts, deliberately inflicted by the guilty on the innocent. When someone hurts you, what they deserve is for you to hurt them back–an eye for an eye. What they do NOT deserve is forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is Forgoing Your Right to Get Even

When you are wronged, you have an obligation to get even. Forgiveness is choosing to give up that obligation. I like how James MacDonald puts it in his book Come Home: A Call Back to Faith:

“Forgiveness Is the Decision to Release a Person from the Obligation that Resulted When He or She Injured You”
James MacDonald

I think it is the best definition of forgiveness I’ve ever read. When someone injures you, you have a decision to get even, or a decision to forgo your right to get even. Forgiveness is the latter.

Now let me stress that forgiveness and consequences are NOT incompatible with each other. Children need their parents to forgive them and they need their parents to give them consequences and boundaries so they can learn. In a civilized society the state prosecutes crimes so that the consequences for a crime are taken out of the hands of the victim. It is possible for a victim to forgive a criminal while the state sends that criminal to prison.

Whether and what consequences are appropriate in any particular case will depend on those circumstances; what does not depend on the circumstances is the option the injured party has to release the personal obligation to get even.

Forgiveness Is a Decision, Not An Emotion

If you choose to release your obligation to get even, it will be emotionally wrenching. However, your emotions are NOT a reliable guide to what’s true or what’s right, which is a good thing, because it will never feel good to forgive before you do it. You will not want to forgive; forgiveness is a decision of the will that we take in spite of our emotions.

Forgiveness is also very rarely a one-time decision. Instead, you will make the first decision to forgive, only to find the next morning you haven’t really released the obligation. And so you will make the decision again and again and again, and one day, by the grace of God, you will discover that the burden is really and truly gone.

Don’t be discouraged if you don’t feel like forgiving today or if it’s taken you a long time to forgive–that’s how it works for most of us most of the time.

Forgiveness Is Only About You

The good news is that the other party has absolutely nothing to do with your decision to forgive. It doesn’t matter if the person is remorseful and repentant or has confessed. This is because forgiveness is about you and your decision to release the obligation to get even. I find this idea freeing, because it means that the other person–even a very wicked person–doesn’t have any control over me. Forgiveness is my choice.

This means that it is possible to forgive someone who is far away from you or someone who will never be remorseful or even someone who is dead. Forgiveness is about you, not the other person.

This also means that you don’t have to tell the guilty party else when you are choosing to forgive him or her. Sometimes it’s not safe to tell someone face to face, and sometimes it is unwise. Reconciliation requires two parties, but forgiveness does not: it’s only about you.

Forgiveness is Risky

Even though forgiveness does not involve the other party, it is still risky. It’s risky because when we forgive, there is the possibility that the other party won’t ever know how much he or she hurt us and might even think he or she has gotten away with the wrong he or she did to us. Forgiveness will always feel risky, but rest assured: God is not mocked, and no one will escape justice forever.

Brandt Jean, Botham Jean’s younger brother, hugs former Dallas police officer Amber Guyger in court after saying he forgives her for killing his brother. Guyger received a 10-year prison sentence for murder.

Forgiveness Is the First Step Towards Reconciliation

Forgiveness is a means to an end, and that end is reconciliation. There cannot be reconciliation without forgiveness, though there can be forgiveness without reconciliation. Reconciliation involves both parties–the wrong and the wronged–whereas forgiveness only involves the wronged. God’s desire for us is not only forgiveness, but also reconciliation, and if reconciliation is ever going to occur, it will only occur because someone went first to forgive. Reconciliation is not promised and will often not happen in this life, but if it does, it will be as a result of forgiveness.

After Brandt Jean’s remarkable statement, the judge granted his remarkable request to hug Amber Guyger, and he and his brother’s killer hugged for a long time in the courtroom while an unidentified woman sobbed in the background. I don’t know what life holds for either person, but I am certain that that embrace would never have taken place had not that brave young man chosen first to forgive.

Forgiveness Is Necessary

We cannot live together without forgiveness. We wrong each other in great and small ways, and without forgiveness, we would live alienated, angry lives. A world in which we have the choice to forgive each other is the only world worth living in. More than that, however, forgiveness is commanded by Jesus in the Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” If you are a Christian, you have no option: it is vital that you forgive.

Forgiveness Is Freedom

Forgiveness is vital because forgiveness is freedom for… you. Forgiveness is the only way to be freed from the burden of vengeance and the obligation of getting even. Forgiveness is freedom because it is the deliberate choice to give over to God the responsibility for ultimate justice. Forgiveness is the freedom that comes from the faith that God will judge the world with righteousness, that he sees all the wrongs done to us and will make them right, and that we no longer need to bear the burden of doing so. Forgiveness is the freedom that comes when you take the burden you’ve been carrying ever since that person wronged you and giving it over to God.

So, let me press the issue: Whom do you need to forgive?

It will be difficult. It won’t be immediate. But it will be worth it.

For those who are interested, I go into more detail on forgiveness and on each of the above points in this sermon: