How to Parent During a Pandemic

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First disclaimer: I don’t know anything. Not only am I not a parenting expert, I’m not even the best parent in my house! But, I am trying to figure this out just like you, so I humbly offer some thoughts below.

Second disclaimer: I am a Christian, and so my advice will obviously come from a faith-based perspective. But, because I believe God created families and that all happy families are alike, I think the advice below should broadly apply to any family in these times. And, if your family isn’t religious, now is a good time to begin to question your previous assumptions.

 
 

Put Your Oxygen Mask On First - Focus On Your Spiritual Life First

As parents, we MUST cultivate our own spiritual life first, before anything else. The most important thing we have to offer our children is a non-anxious presence. In a time of fear, it is important that we give peace to our children, but we can only give it if we have it.

Now is the time for us to rise early in the morning to pray and be still. Now is the time for us to read our Bibles daily. Now—more than ever—is the time for us to resist the urge to reach for our phones first thing in the morning before we’ve done our time in silence, prayer, and scripture.

Parents, our commitment to the daily disciplines of the Christian life is what will take us through this crisis.

If you are not practicing the actions above, you need to start.

 
 

Tell Your Kids The (Partial) Truth - Do Not Ever Lie

Our children need to be able to trust us, and the cultivation of trust is one of parenting’s essential responsibilities. Therefore, it is vital that we do not lie to our children.

  • Do not say that they are definitely going back to school;

  • Do not say that no one we know will get sick;

  • Do not say that their birthday parties are definitely going to happen as planned;

  • etc.

An entirely appropriate response to our kids’ questions is, “We don’t really know at this point.”

It is also entirely appropriate to share the partial truth with children. They don’t need to know everything, but they do need to hear the truth from us. Knowing what to tell them and what to withhold requires wisdom, of course, which is why it’s so important that we cultivate our own spiritual lives. See above.

Some examples:

Don’t say: No one we know is going to die.

Do say: Jesus tells us not to be afraid, even of death. If someone we love dies, we will see them again in Christ.

Don’t say: Your birthday party will be fine.

Do say: We will definitely find some way to celebrate your party.

Don’t say: Everything will be okay.

Do say: People have made it through—and thrived in!—much harder things before.

 
 

Give Your Kids a Daily and Weekly Schedule and Rhythm

Routine gives children (and adults!) something in which to trust. Even though all of our kids are now homeschoolers, this new reality doesn’t mean they don’t need clear bedtimes, breakfasttimes, lunchtimes, and playtimes.

Some suggestions:

Bookend your days with prayer. I will be leading a live online prayer service at 7 AM and 7 PM, M-F. (The service will last no longer than 15 minutes.) Please join.

Make every Sunday a celebration. Every Sunday is Easter, and you should worship and celebrate as such in your house. [Need a place to go for online worship? We’d love to have you join us at Munger.]

Celebrate and observe special days. Make sure that birthdays and anniversaries and national holidays and special days of the Christian year (Good Friday, Easter, Pentecost, etc.) are somehow different in your house.

 
 

Pray Together

I realize that many of us feel totally inadequate and uncomfortable in leading our families in prayer. Guess what? Get over it. We don’t have the luxury of those emotions any more.

My suggestion: get the whole family to kneel together at the side of the bed before bedtime. Read a psalm and give God thanks for the day.

 
 

Play With Your Children—ESPECIALLY Dads and Kids

Playing with our kids—particularly if it involves us getting down on the floor with them—is one of the ways we increase their trust in us. When we actively join in their play, it makes them feel safe and secure.

This is true for both moms and dads, but I think it is especially important that fathers spend time playing with their kids.

(I realize that some of us are single mothers, and I know that you are doing the best you can. Don’t give up!)

As a father who’s been sequestered at home this past week, it has been very easy for me to work all day long and, though my kids are close, not really spend any time with them outside of meals. And yet I know that when I take time to deliberately join their games, I see an immediate difference in my children’s demeanors.

If you have not played much with your children before, now is the time to start.

 
 

Let There Be An Embargo on Virus Talk During Dinner

Our kids need a respite from our (understandable) obsession with virus news. Keep the dinner hour free from pandemic palaver.

(This one has been hard for me!)

 
 

Practice Bottom-Up Thinking

Top Down Thinking: We start with the idea of PERFECTION and then look at our circumstances—we’ll be miserable.

Bottom-Up Thinking: We start with the idea of NOTHING and then look at our circumstances—we’ll see how much we have for which to be grateful.

As wealthy Americans, we are experts at Top Down Thinking, but it isn’t helpful. It’s time for us to learn another way, and teach it to our kids.

 
 

These next months will be the most formative in our children’s lives. How we parent our children during this time will determine whether they grow unto adulthood strengthened or weakened because of this pandemic. I know that’s a lot of responsibility! But, it’s true.

Here’s the good news: Parents have raised children literally in every single situation in human history. Our grandparents and great grandparents lived through the Great Depression and the Second World War, and they were strong because of those difficulties, not in spite of them.

It will be difficult to parent during this pandemic, but we can do it!